Appendix

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To: Remote_server:Kurtz

From: dkdaark

I'm having terrible trouble typing...I've got a new keyboard and the keys are ...Missing.Or not.They are actually slightly smaller so I can hit three at once with consummate ease - still, it makes my words bigger.

Trying to decide what  tapes to do for you.

Any suggestions? Clean ones only.

I have all the requsittttttttts. That was me and not my keyboard, I shall have to name him or her (wink wink). I think I might call it Cordelia but I would keep wanting to pull all the buttons off.

Bob and Cordelia rang me yesterday. Bob's got a speakerphone so I didn't know that she could hear! So when Bob asked if he was interrupting anything I told him that I was merely enjoying a "quick one off the wrist". I don't believe that Cordelia had heard the expression before. They then attempted to out-weird me. They invited me for a doughnut.

Well, I'm as polite as the next man is (as long as he is a psychopathic Member of the BNP) but I wasn't having 'Mackem'[Northern slang for a person from Sunderland -ed] Madame out doing me in the puzzling statement stakes. I simply replied coolly that "I no longer eat doughnuts as they consist of fatty deposits on the outside, with a gaping void of yearning emptiness at the centre and as such are too like my life to be enjoyed." To play for time she told me Bob was naked. I responded with "MmmmmmmmMmmmmmmmmmmMMMm." Cordelia retired scared and confused to giggle in the background, and pinch his sensitive bits (the parts other girls like to reach.)

In the words of Douglas Adams'

"there was a point to this story but the chronicler has forgotten."

Bob thinks Chris's wasting money buying a new P.C. this is somewhat ironic from a man who not two months ago spent three hundred quid on a watch.

Any way, are you well? I mean that in the most none pejorative way possible?

have you been exiled from your room?

Bought owt[Northern slang again meaning anything -ed] good. I gave up trying to e-mail the purity tests [vast infamous 'net questionnaires about all many of perversions and criminal activities -ed] to Bob, as AOL is a pile of steaming dog turd. So I posted it through his door marked as follows: -

Mr. Bobby-Sock

Cloud 9

Bob and Cordelia Land

Happy World

I was going to include the postcode: -

NE69 69B+D

but thought better of it

Largely because the BooBooMiester [Bob…I think - ed.] was going to be out at the time and I didn't want his mother to think me a colossal perve. I draw the line at her thinking I'm jealous nutter.

BTW I was at Bob's the other day picking up a book or 36 (he had moved a chair and discovered a pile of books.) I had to wait for Robbie [Bob again…I think] to finish a call (ERM Nationality or verb you decide) and his mother decided to come and talk to me. She asked me what I thought of Cordelia,I responded "Er, She's OK I guess." I thought it sounded better than: "I desire the young strumpet so much that I am merely biding my time until such a time as your son can be "put away" without any fuss. And then I will be able to take her for my own for she is mine, Mine, MINE, I tell you." It would, after all be deuced unpleasant and impolite.

I am also sending some of my e-mails to BooBoos [Bob again -ed] he generally ignores them. He doesn't want to appear to condone it but I know he *really* wants it. They're all Whores, Whores I tell you, and he's just a pretty boy prick tease isn't he?

Anyway....

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Please have sex with some one, I need the excitement.

yours

MR Pervert

PS was this long enough for you?

Personally I think size doesn't matter.

PPS have you seen any flat mates naked yet?

PPPS Got The photo's?

PPPPS I have thought of a way for you to capture that four legged spider, you were telling me about...

First cut the feet off two play people.

Second lay them out (The feet) on the floor in a small square formation.

Third coat them with superglue on the top.

Thus the spider will come along and think "Aha just the right number of boots for a crippled spider what a stroke of luck". He leaps onto them and gets them stuck to his feet so he can't take them off. What good does it do to give my spider plastic bootees I hear you ask? Well plastic makes a noise so he will be unable to sneak up on any flies. And so he dies of starvation within a few days without any undue exertion on your part. Genius Wot?

PPPPPS If you show this to your flat mates please remove the PPS and PPS unless there is a chance of them agreeing to photographed.

Pioneering new ways in scariness ... and dodgy spelling...

dkdark

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To: Remote_server:Kurtz

From: dkdaark

Once upon a time there was a little satanist who had to go to a catholic school. The other children used to tease him asking why he didn't follow the same God as them. One day the little boy said "Because your God's not going to let me burn you alive". And one day he did.

A Fifty word saga for publication on Metro bill boards.

(the local transit system- ed)

Happiness is a measurement of what more we want.

dkdark

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To: Remote_Server:Bob

From: dkdaark

Hope your swim was refreshing and lively, and afterwards did you take two bottles into the shower? Were they both full of vodka?

Did Chris drown in freak accident involving a tube of "man glide", a 90 year old man, a packet of cheese and pickle crisps, a small terrapin called Freddy, a dolphin of the same name, a pair of speedo swimming trunks, a bikini and Zimmer frame.

Allow me these little moments of wild, unfettered hope.

Speaking of moments of hope another e-mail follows.

I leave you with the thought that if our intestines unwound could stretch halfway round the globe, how many people could chomp on them at once? And whose job would it be to provide the table.

Yours with tubby hugs (having killed them and merely hurling their corpses (corpii???) at you)

Mr. Dark....

Pioneering new ways in scariness ... and dodgy spelling...

dkdark

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To: Remote_server:Bob

From: dkdaark

If Cordelia is going out with me on Monday, and a different girl is going out with me every other night ... whose body have I stolen.

"The slimy things are really excellent"

Review for "In The Mouth of Madness"

dkdark

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To: Remote_server:Bob

From: dkdaark

If you had to choose between loosing your right arm and seeing Cordelia crushed to death by a combine harvester out of control after a freak electrical storm.

Personally, I have no problem with you loosing an arm.

"I have clairvoyant paranoia"

"I wish", ,King Missile

dkdark - pervert to order

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To: Remote_server:Bob

From: dkdaark

BOOOOBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

How do..

Your e-mail address is xxx @xxx.xxx (no space)

So there - did you get a short e from me????

I was trying to discover your address

(It'll stand up in court ;-) )

So who exactly is this photo your offering of?

I don't think it very polite to attempt to sell photos of mossy [Chris -ed] naked when we all know that I sell them a much better rate, you're clearly a beast of a bar...

Which makes me think of mars bars which makes me think of ...

Gazza

So I'll write constantly now....

There is no escape. As I have said to any number of girls recently...

Speaking of girls

How's...

CORDELIA

You have failed to inform me about any of the intimate (personal) details of your love/sex live. (a big kiss to Cordelia if she's reading this... Its OK Cordelia, I know it's just because I look like a jelly, dress like a blind man, have all the charm and tack of a Rhino on heat, smell like a sewer and have a small penis, that you seem to prefer Robert to me. There is clearly no accounting for taste. If you don't start talking to me soon I'll think you don't love me anymore....)

Remember its good talk about the sordid explicit details...(Bob that last comment is to you and not Cordelia as I have no desire to know about your performance in bed... well OK Cordelia my lips are sealed - where his???. That's really rather vile if you can only work out what I mean... )

I watched the whole of the Godfather last night when I got home - look it's as close to sordid as my real life comes...In my head, however... (cue maniacal laughter). I quite enjoyed it.

The film...

Although a good evil chuckle is good for the soul.

Or is it Chuckles makes good soles?

I can't remember.

I like the cookery guide within the film but still yern for the day when a mafia film can be made sans reference to meatballs.

BTW Have you had Swedish ones they're nice.

Yours

Mr. Boots

Grand Genralismo of the UberPervs

High Lord commander of the Lecherous Looks

Leader of the Bestiality Corps (Bestial Corpse??)

And General Sicko

All Hail Boots

So till next time

WATCH Me REACH THAT Rub-a-Dub STYLE....

Allright...............................

Live In Fear Bob

Tchuss bis Tuesday [german meaning goodbye until Tuesday -ed]

PS I hate you for having a girlfriend.

PPS I hate you.

PPPS I really Hate you.

With your glistening musculature all wet from the shower....ahhhhh

PPPPS I REALLY HATE YOU

PPPPPS By DK Dark xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

             xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PPPPPS With love and kisses and geet [slang, meaning very] slimey things to you and Cordelia

"I'm just scared you know ... pretty up tight"

Scared, Slacker

Aren't You Scared yet? I can show you my grey eared elephant if that would help in any way...

dkdark

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To: Remote_server:Bob

From: dkdaark

I almost forgot to... er.

I can't remember.

Must be annoying...

Is your mail box full yet?

Are you yet afraid.

I'm going to bed

ALONE

I hope you feel guilty....

Throwing me over for that .....

Long leggitty minx.

What's she got that I haven't...

(Bonus points for full explanation and photos)

I hope your happy

********************************

(please fit as many swear words in there as possible)

(you're all of them)

Well Betrayer

I leave you to stew in your own filth

Pig scummy child of a rotten apple

L8R

Your Sex Kitten

DK

No I don't have a life buggerlugs

"I know you want me just admit it to yourself"

dkdark

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To: Remote_server:Bob

From: dkdaark

You and Cordelia, a polaroid camera and an address in Amsterdam.

You and Lisa in a blender.

You and Chris in leatherette mini-skirts. (black...red's not your colour)

But I didn't mention any of these things so I am clearly not, repeat not a depraved pervert.

Unlike you …Going on holiday with a girl...BTW thanks for telling me the dates and destination. I'll see you BOTH there.... That's pretty sick.

Will you be having sex and stuff?

Will there be holiday snaps?

Will there be hot candle wax on the nipples?

Will there be, like, hot three-way lesbian sex?

Will either of you be involved?

Will water glisten on your bodies?

Will your T-shirts be wet and see-through?

Will you wear a little string job?

Can you fit into Cordelia's underwear?

(If you can then you must have been made for each other.)

(Quick girl's stuff question to Cordelia)

Doesn't the string part of a G-string get covered in crap?

Yours

Thirsting for answers...

DK (currently on the run)

There are many important questions. The most important is

"Will you go to bed with me?".

Dkdark

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To: Remote_server:Bob

From: dkdaark

How dare you accuse me of being a pervert. I didn't put any real filth in that last message. As to deny knowledge of the photos for sale well that just beggars belief.

If I had wanted to be really filth then I would have mentioned :-

You and Cordelia in a vat of honey without water or towels.

You, Cordelia and Chris in a jecusi (Jacuzzi, bath -whatever) playing hide and seek with a rubber duck.

You and Chris playing the biscuit game.

You and Cordelia playing the biscuit game. (a bit unfair but fun...I imagine).

You and Cordelia and Lisa and a selection of interestingly shaped fruit and veg.

You and Cordelia in the bath with a bar of dove soap.

You in the bath with a dove.

A pigeon in the bed with Cordelia.

You and Cordelia and a barber shop pole.

You and Cordelia in Fenwicks (local shop--ed) window (at Christmas!).

You and Cordelia playing Nurse and patient with operating table restraining straps.

It's time for the Bill (know your enemy eh!) so I'll write the second half of this little message later and get this part posted. So HARD to write in five minute BURSTS...

--

dkdark

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To: Remote_server:Bob

From: dkdaark

A Holiday lets you have arguments in new and interesting places.

Take note ROBERT

I Want your Life, your soul and your girlfriend.

Dkdark

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To: Remote_server:Chris

From: dkdaark

In message <xxxxxxxxx @xxx>, user Chris wrote :-

>DK,

>You're really starting to worry me. It's not that your e-mails are too crass or >offensive, as crass and offensive is good,

Surely, not to two such tasteful fellows?

> it's just that they're not funny.

Typical, I reveal deep inner urges and get criticised for it.

>The stringent quality standards of mirth that we set for use on the e-

>mail are just not being met by yourself.

er and "fuck off DK" does? Pot and kettle?

>Oh, Cordelia said to me in a moment of weakness last night that she finds your >pungent musk draws her to you against her will and indeed better judgement

A girl of taste then, about the taste I mean.

> In fact she used the simile "like flies to shit", which is quite apt really,

>bearing in mind she has wings, 20,000 eyes and bodily hair, and a penchant >for buggery.

Do flies have a penchant for buggery? I'll never squash one again (go on

Chris make a fat joke).

>She compared you to a vaginal magnet...unfortunately I think she meant the >part of the magnet that repulses things.

True. Just as well I'm so attractive to boys

>See you later you twisted freak of nature.

True

>Chris. (with help from creative consultant Bob)

Bob? Creative?

>P.S DK, if you're ever going to bottle & sell that fabulous musk of yours,

>we'll take 5 crates each (to keep the seagulls away from our dustbins)

well it's nice to be useful

>P.P.S. Just Oxy-cute 'em!

No they're my friends

>P.P.S.S Wash the strength back in!

Chris get it into your head you're not Jennifer Aniston.

I would like you more if you were.

>P.P.P.S.S. Take shampoo and conditioner into the shower? Not you, you stink!

No that's soap. You meant dandruff

> That's right, it's not mine...

Come now, Bob, don't be modest.

> It's yours you brown mac wearing,

It's Black actually

> salivating,

yes

> odiferous,

Harsh but true

>glass-encrusted,

Eh?

> bony earth moving,

Bony, are you out of your tiny pea brained skull?

> stygian,

Chris if your going to bandy words at least find out what they fucking mean.

>bespeckled,

ERM...was it a good tab of acid.

> root vegetable wearing

possibly

>, boy racer

er... no.

> of a filth-covered,

Fair enough

> remorseless eating machine

Thanks

>of a rampant nun

A strangely pleasing thought...

> with a smattering of her lesbian friends

It's getting better...

> who in turn eat the doobies

Finish is a bit of a let down.

>and couldn't give a pair of dingo's tossers.

Thanks again. You mean, like, Cordelia doesn't want to shag me?

hey ho

Criticise my humour Mr "fuck off DK" e-mail?

Cunt

Chris you've hurt my feeling you greasy haired, long nosed, rodent featured, bubble of anal wind. I'm not going to insult bob (I think I'm still in with a chance of pulling him).

Bye

DK

P.S. I can write multiple P.S.’s without getting confused.

There's a girl for me out there and she's plastic

Dkdark

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To: Remote_server:Chris

From: dkdaark

In message <339014dc XESA@aol.com>, user Chris wrote[it’s Bob actually] :-

>DK, you twisted little freak! You can have neither my life nor my soul and >especially not my girlfriend. Now my ex-girlfriend, that's a different matter. I'll pay you to take her (please don't read any sick innuendo into that). Oh, and don't bother turning up at our hotel in the summer - the restraining order will have kicked in by then. You'll have to stay at least two continents away at all times. Sorry to spoil your fun. Anyway if you were actually there, you'd know exactly what was going on and wouldn't be able to fantasise about it.

No, but I would be able to film it. (from DK –ed)

So really, I'm doing you a favour.

No your not you selfish turd.

>I repeat again - NO PHOTO'S FOR SALE! (and I'm not giving them away >either)

So The PHOTO'S exist you admit it.

>Anyway it's way past my bedtime.

Hey I've got a double bed...

>Nighty-night

>

>Bobby

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sorry I could be my normal loquacious self last night.

I was rather tired.

Toodle by for now...

--

dkdark

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