Many of my friends have been asking about my advice for getting girls. I have turned there queries over to the acknowledged master of picking up women. He was speaking on his mobile phone from Manchester when we spoke :-

“I am trying to find a woman at the moment. I can’t remember where I left her… Well not all of her. It seemed to be going so well but then the chloroform wore off. I have to say we didn’t have much of a relationship. I think we just couldn’t communicate. It was probably our different backgrounds… or perhaps it was the gag. Where did we meet? Well I remember when I first saw her. She was stacking shelves at Safeway. My attention had gravitated to the sign that said “Buy 1 Get 1 Free”…but apparently that was only for the tins of peas she was stacking (I did check with the manager). I think that was when I knew that she was the one for me. The action of the price gun really got me going … bang…bang…bang…know what I mean? No …well I’ll off you too! What we had was special … well I suppose what we had was illegal … (except in Texas where it is practically a legal requirement!)… Where was I? …Land of the sexually brave and home of the very free and easy… Well when we met it was like a thunderbolt. Picture the scene please… It was night. I love starlight, I think that it is so romantic…and it makes for great stealth. It was the local park. I knew it was special. That look in her eyes as I reached out to bundle her into the back of my white van. I like to think that we both knew that we could be spending the rest of our lives together. I remember the look of blessed out ecstasy as the chloroform took hold.

“Is it just me or do think that women go a course on how to nag? She just wouldn’t stop. “Let me go! Take off these chains. Are those rats? Please don’t kill me.”…Yar-di-Yar… I mean on and on. So here’s a tip use a gag. If she has anything important to say she will chew through it.

“They say the course of true love never runs true and all good things must come to an end. It turns out the spark between us was only the cigarette I was putting out. People often ask about the best way of ending a relationship. Now some will say text, e-mail or fax. I think these are all a bit impersonal. I find that a hatchet in the face usually makes the point. Yelling “Die, pretty girl” just ensures clarity.

“The problem with Ex’s is that they are always trying to get back at you. I mean anyone who has had to stop the car and open the boot to finish off a supposedly dead ex will know just how annoying the “dead” can be. I’ll give you some free advice – cut of the head, you know that they’re dead. Actually dismemberment makes disposal easier. No more messing about with rolls of carpet. (It’s a lot cheaper too.) As any estate agent will tell you when it comes to disposal the most important three factors are ‘Location, Location, Location’. May I suggest that you use Manchester as it easily accessible by motorway from most parts of the UK. I am not a fan of burials. You think all your problems have been dealt with when some little old ladies Fido is pulling up an arm. I blame dog food manufacturers myself, if there food is more nourishing these prize poodles wouldn’t be scrabbling in the dirt for former friends, you thought were safely removed. No I advise that you dump the body in weighted packages in some watercourse. Then all you have to worry about is a lost dolphin in helpful mood. And, of course, the local council draining the lake to make way for a golf course. Before you know it you are scrabbling through a new bog looking for the weighted bin liners.

“Which is why I am wearing waders. Which is why I am in Manchester. Which is why I am trying to find a women.”

©DK 2002 –08 –01 The author requests that this page is not reproduced for profit and that it is authorship is credited.

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