Tuesday 5^th May

Last night started well and ended badly… possibly

3 O’clock yesterday. I received a phone call. It’s Bob will I come to Town with him on the piss.

Why I wondered does he want me to come out? Why is he actually inviting me?

I said no.

He rang three more times then got Cordelia to ring.

She invited me out I said yes, eventually (smooth bastard that I am playing hard to get).

Invited to join Bob and Cordelia at F.M.’s at 7:00 p.m. Chris is supposed to joining us. At 7:45 Cordelia and Bob arrive. I being unsure of the layout of the bar decide to wait outside. I am freezing when Bob and Cordelia arrive. In fact, I have a nipple erection. Cordelia, somewhat the worse for wear, mutters “that was good timing”. I decline to comment. Privately, I want to scream “What for sparrow migration, an aeroplane leaving Australia, the flight of the wombat, the annual love parade? Who knows, I fucking well don’t. You Bitch-Slut-Whore-Cow”. Its is amazing what the male of the species is prepared to put up with in order to get his leg over. Had she stabbed me with a carving knife in the arm I would probably say that “At least it’s nothing vital.”. Well that’s what I would say having issued the cry “Aaaaagggghhhh”  first.

Still in we went. We quietly sitting drinking, when Cordelia needs the toilet. When she leaves, Bob leans over and tells me that his old girl friend is no more and that Cordelia is the new one.

Well what could I do but lean over and gut the happy little cunt with one slash of my flick-knife.

Well that what I would have done had not two facts impinged on my distorted thought processes

1) The memory of my master plan.

2) The fact that I have never owned or even, seen, in the flesh, so to speak, a flick knife.

Cunt

When the Cordelia meister returned from her piss (why do men piss and shit and women go to the toilet?) she gave me a searching look. Not knowing if Cordelia had given him permission to tell me that they were now “an item” I just gave a brief smile.

Chris turned up later only for Bob and Cordelia to fuck off to Sunderland for the night.

Deserted we went to a nightclub so Chris could try and pull. The alcohol was having a little effect on Chris. He attempted to pull a girl with the immortal (or probably totally mortal) line “I met a blonde girl earlier tonight that said she liked me. Are you her?”. Oddly the girl’s reply was a negative. Chris as a result of this and the drink was becoming depressed. Despite not drinking, I was joining him in this mood. This was largely because the “entertainment” had arrived on stage at the club. I use the word entertainment in its loosest sense. Mistakenly we had entered that worst of phenomenon the “student night”. On stage were Trevor and Simon the children’s entertainers.

Apparently they are also “cult”. I strongly believe that someone just misspelt “crap”. They repeat endlessly, the Jason Nevis rework of Run DMC break beat anthem. Their DJ skill immediately obvious (nil). Their “comedy” consisted of bashing drunken fools on the head with an inflatable mallet. Inspired. Clearly both myself and Chris were to be witnesses to one of the comedic events  of  the century. The Trevor element was just playing Jason Nevis for the ninth time (Comedy, Comedy) when Chris muttered that there was a bus due in 20 minutes.

We lurched to the door as the crowd whooped like a ‘Opera’ audience on Prozac. We escaped into the darkness as those gods of comedy spun that platter again.

Public transport while great on paper is somewhat questionable in practice. Witness…

On all normal bank holidays there is a Sunday service . The late bus for reasons best known to itself runs a Monday service. This service is less frequent than it’s Sunday service. It is 12:30 at night as we stumble out of the nightclub. We lurch to the bus stop to wait for the bus that doesn’t appear. It’s cold and I’m getting a nipple erection.

We decided to walk a little and try and keep warm. As we walk past the club Jason Nevis is still kicking out through the doors. The night seemed less cold. Two hours after leaving the club we caught the bus.

Now I know that the car is not ‘green’ and that the bus is better for every one to use but when is last time you spent two and a half hours waiting for your car to arrive? Never, you Fucker. And when, during that wait, did a tattooed lady appear and try and start a fight with you? Never, you dumb fuck.    

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