Tuesday 20th April 1998

Went to see Bob last night only to discover that Cordelia had popped round for "a chat". I say "chat" I am convinced I interrupted a sordid tryst between the pair. I tried to signal my query to Bob as Cordelia was just in the next room. What I attempted to signal was he going for a drink with her (miming downing a pint),was she staying the night (miming sleep) or was he going to have sex with her (miming parting her legs and licking). I have since discovered that he is curious to know why I was signalling he should get Cordelia drunk until she collapsed then give her an oral servicing. The man is clearly sick.

I fear I may have queered the pitch somewhat for myself because when Cordelia appeared I gave what was meant to be questioning look. Unfortunately, it rather gave away what I was thinking, as it came out as an A grade leer, Bob tells me. I may even have drooled a bit.

I think, on the whole, that I like the idea of Bob sleeping with Cordelia. If I can persuade her to then sleep with Dan and Chris, she will then almost HAVE to sleep with me.

OK I know that's pretty desperate but after my leer and dribble (sounds like one Bob's Soccer Skill Exercises... actually if I can perfect the leer then there is no male footballer in the world who will tackle me) it's clearly my best chance.

On the way home I decided to list the reasons why Cordelia is my ideal partner.

1) She's a nurse and might find my working mammary glands fascinating.

2) She's small and as Stephen Fry put it "I love small women, they make your cock look so much bigger". (And since I can't find a Lilliputian.....)

3) She has a car and will drive.

4) She must know how to put a condom on. (It is a sad prophecy when the rest of the school was learning about STD's and contraceptives I was getting extra German. Well at least I can ask the way to the station in German, where I can presumably pick up a prostitute. Of course, I can also order a round of cheese sandwiches afterward.

Perhaps they knew, even then, that I was never going to do it.)

5) She would look great in diagonal black and white striped dress and blouse. (And it would help me to fulfil a long felt fetish for Zebras).

6) She would look even better without them. (And it would help me fulfil a short held Cordelia fetish).

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