Sunday 18th April 1998

The solution to my problems has arrived in my consciousness.

It is considerably harder than becoming Prime Minister, unfortunately.

I must make Cordelia like me more.

The Fucker, of course, is HOW???

I could demonstrate my ability as ...erm.

I must have some abilities...

I know I can get Coke out of a can even if it has lost it ring pull. I have always been quietly proud of that.

I am a colossal deviant. Unfortunately, not a colossus in the area that counts. Besides she may be unimpressed by me pointing out that when ‘Ministry’ magazine ran its guide to fetishism I not only knew all the featured perversions, but also could list as many again that they had missed out. In fact, it will probably count against me.

The ability to tell the age of a colour film by the type of font used in the titles or by the clothing (even in a period film). Have you noticed that a film made in the Sixties but set in the Roman Empire will always included a psychedelic look in the costume design. In the same way they seemed, in the Seventies, unable to make a single film without including either flair’s or drainpipes. The eighties women always have shoulder pads. Perhaps, Cordelia is not a film enthusiast.

Well, at least, I doubt she will like the films I like. Not many girls are fans of the "Chainsaw wielding psychopaths from hell go on a rape and killing spree ... IV". Of course the box is marked as "The famous five and the magical castle of adventure".

I also posses the largest collection of cheap pornographic magazines in the free world. Typically, Cordelia will not be impressed by this fact.

Of course, my party piece, is that I can vomit at will and more over "Target Vom" by which I mean I can projectile vomit on to a two pence piece from two yards. I have already mentioned this to Cordelia, however, and she responded that she could also be sick at will (probably by thinking of me) so she is not impressed.

So, to sum up, there isn't a single ability or talent that I posses that will impress Cordelia one wit.

ARSE!

Still it's the cinema tonight so perhaps inspiration will be caused by her physical nearness. 

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